Vulnerability
This post has a bit of a morning pages vibe- I am sitting to write and really don’t have a plan for what to do!
Yesterday I shared with my boss that I would be leaving our company at the end of the month. It was an emotional conversation and even though it was something I had planned to do for a couple of months (I made the decision to leave on October 10), about 45 minutes before our call I thought, OMG AM I REALLY DOING THIS? It wasn’t a full panic… but I definitely felt like I was about to jump off a cliff, or that I was hearing the tick tick tick of a rollercoaster slowing ascending that first hill, knowing that the terror of the drop was moments away. And then, an hour later, it was done. I rode the rollercoaster and at the end, calmly thought, ‘well that happened fast.’ I felt a visceral relief. I did not feel regret, but rather a calm centering. I considered this a refreshing sign. I went for a walk over to the Chicago Hilton, where my husband was finishing a work out in their gym. We looked at the amazing gingerbread house displays in the hotel lobby- Chicago skyscrapers, the Field museum, Soldier Field, and the Chicago Hilton itself, all made from gingerbread. As the significance of what I had just done settled into my heart, I breathed in the smells of gingerbread. As we meandered back home together, I felt cold air on my face. We dodged snow drifts that clogged the crosswalks, the slush already black-tinged from passing cars. How quickly we forgot this pedestrian experience, what it is like to navigate winter in Chicago, days after snowfall.
We passed a building with a window on the first floor where a pigeon was perched on the brick window ledge. He was a big chubby guy, and as we got up to him, he didn’t flutter away. I paused, feeling the (strong!) desire to reach out and stroke his breast. I looked to my husband and asked, “Do you think I should pet him?” His countenance held more of a ‘have you lost your mind?’ expression, but he responded with a slow “um…no..?” At the same time, it seemed to finally register for the pigeon that some strange lady was about to come at him, and, wings flapping, he hustled down to the ground and scuttled away. I came home and hugged a cat instead.
This morning I am feeling a little disconnected from my emotions- like what I’ve set into motion is a little too big to really process at the moment. I need to share the news with my coworkers, so I think that disconnection is steeling myself for these difficult conversations to come, where I tell my friends that I am leaving. I am resisting the sadness that is to come from these disclosures.
At the same time, I feel steadfast, as I sit here. I actually just looked up the definition to confirm the fit- it means ‘firm in purpose, loyalty, or position, like being unwavering or resolute. It can describe a person who is determined…’ Am I also feeling some pride, an honoring of what I am doing? Is this courage? Hope? There is a quiet power settling into my chest, returning to myself.
And I’ll be honest- that power- it feels exciting. And at the same time- I feel scared. I feel scared at the thought of moving the onus of control so thoroughly back to myself, especially as I am learning new skills and trying out a new role. I am envisioning a game of hot potato (LIFE edition!) where I now have the hot potato. If I hold on too tightly (desperation!), I may get burned. Instead, I can throw the potato up in the air for several minutes (which, in the LIFE edition, equates to weeks and MONTHS) while it slowly cools. Maybe once this can be handled, it will remain mine (and hopefully by then I can slice into the top and find the inside nice and fluffy, ready for some sour cream (vegan, of course) and green onion. Maybe this will work out so well that I can enjoy these extras on top).
So- the title here- vulnerability. On the feelings wheel, vulnerability falls under Sadness. I am definitely feeling some sadness right now, but I also find that vulnerability falls under the category of trust, and the word trusting falls under Happiness in the feelings wheel. I am feeling all the things right now, and perhaps in the middle is my mindful self- sitting and observing, with a soft focus on my chest as it rises and falls with each breath.
I am currently reading “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown, which is all about vulnerability (and its shadow, shame). She defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” She goes on to say that the danger is that we begin to consider ‘feeling’ as weakness, that we can confuse feeling with failing, and emotion with liabilities. It’s a good book- it feels profound that I am reading it now, though I purposefully CHOSE to read it now so maybe that takes away some of the wonder at this opportune timing, ha (I started it last week, as I was ticking up that rollercoaster hill)! I’ve had the book on my shelf for over a year (purchased at Printer’s Row Litfest last year and therefore holding a magical place on my shelf for that fact on its own). Sometimes what we need has been sitting there waiting for us to pick it up. I finally did. And here I am.
My tear-away calendar from yesterday from @positivelypresent. Felt so appropriate!
It took me a while to find a good picture to capture how I am at the moment, but this one feels just right. My little print on courage hanging next to my desk, my Coaching textbook, my Yorkshire rose coaster, and my Heart to Heart bear and inner critic plush named Lucy :)
