Softening

It is Sunday, 12:36 pm, and I am uptight. I am feeling rigid, restricted. Closed off. I haven’t heard my heartbeat thumping in my ears- yet- but I feel like that isn’t far away (this is one of the ways I feel anxiety in my body, is through a sensation of my heart pounding in my ears. I know- weird).

As I went to bed last night, I reminded myself that today could be this way. I have a big to-do list and a particularly eventful week. I’ll come right out and say the big part- I have a meeting set up for tomorrow, December 1, during which my plan is to inform my company that I will not be continuing on as an employee into the new year. That’s right. I am working through December 31, and then I will be leaving. Obviously this is big on its own. But the week is also full, outside of that, with my training to become a health and wellness coach. I have an appointment with a practice client tomorrow evening, and then I have two coaching classes this week as well. I feel like I need to prep for my practice client today, in addition to reviewing content in preparation for the coaching classes I’m attending Tuesday and Thursday. I also added more ancillary things to my list for today- doing a deep vacuum of our living room, and by deep I mean getting into the corners, those areas tucked behind my house plants where I’ve been watching dust bunnies develop over the past couple weeks, and I set a goal for myself to get to this before Thanksgiving break was up. And here we were, at Sunday, and it still needed to be done.

Other little things are on my list. Getting the family calendar set up for December. Making sure I have log ins for different websites that I may need after leaving my job. LAUNDRY (which I went to start, only to find that one of my offspring got to the washing machine before me-rats!). And- another item on my list- play euchre with the family. Big picture-wise, this really shouldn’t be a priority today. Though- maybe making this a priority isn’t the worst thing. Playing a game with the family was another item I wanted us to get to during our Thanksgiving break.

The reason for euchre? Well, I am from Michigan, and my husband is from Michigan (though didn’t come from a card-playing background). My early childhood years were spent watching The Muppet Show while sitting on my grandparents’ lime green carpeting, fidgeting with the loops of yarn, while my parents and grandparents sat at the dining table and played euchre. My mother and grandfather were always a team, playing against my father and grandmother, and hearing them talk in the background as I was entertained by Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, and the rest of the Muppet Show cast has served as the background hum for much of my life. When I am at ease, my soul returns to that feeling of comfort. Growing up, I came into my own, learning how to play euchre with friends we vacationed with each year. During my sophomore year of high school, I played euchre during lunch periods for that entire year. And guess what? It was not UN-cool to do so, in our Michigan high school. And so, it has felt imperative to pass this game along to my children, and to envision it being what we turn to at the end of busy day.

So, this list for today is…a lot, and a lot of it is not critical. I know this.

I sat and meditated earlier today, and after that, I sat to write. I wrote about the past year, what I have learned about myself as the events of 2025 nationally and globally slowly burned and churned as a back drop. I wrote about how the year started with us in Pasadena for the Rose Bowl parade, and what an amazing time we had, only for the LA wildfires to flare up less than a week after we got home. How hard it is to consider the damage that has come from the Trump presidency, funding for social programs that impacted the most vulnerable populations permanently cut, the human rights threatened and then outright violated, all while we went through each day with the same expectations to work and operate as though life was normal, when it clearly wasn’t. My body soaked in the stress- more than once I had subluxated ribs after putting on a coat, throwing a ball with my kid, and walking from my car to my exercise studio while wearing a light backpack. For the first of these episodes, starting at the end of February and through March, I had numbness running down my arm to my fingertips for weeks before I crawled to a chiropractor.

From all this turmoil, outside, and inside, I turned inward. I wrote. I listened to writers. I listened to myself. I worked with an energy coach. I continued therapy. And from all this work, I realized how misaligned I was with what my job has become and who I am now, and where I want my life to head going forward. With this clarity I found energy again. I signed up for training to become a health and wellness coach.

As I was writing about all of this, I noticed how my body felt. I felt centered and grounded through the process of reviewing all that I’ve done this year and where I am going next. This counteracts the intense self-doubt that I’ve been feeling at times. When I settle into this place of peace and contentedness, I know I am where I am meant to be. I write myself home.

Here is where it gets a bit silly though- bear with me. After my writing session, we sat down as a family to play euchre. And my kids? They just weren’t having it. I taught them how to play a couple months ago and since then we’ve played in fits and starts. They’ve been unable to hang in there for any length of time and we have not gotten remotely close to a game ending with a team reaching 10 points. They don’t know how to shuffle the cards or deal in a way that the rest of us can’t see every card they are handing out, so I’ve shuffled and dealt for them, while talking through all the things I am doing, explaining how I hold the cards so they are angled downward and unseen. Each time we play there have been several weeks between when we last played, where I need to explain the rules over again. “Okay, when a suit is trump, what is the highest card?” I ask this each time, and we review it all, each time. And today, the group seemed on board. Only then, just fifteen minutes in and after we had played a few successful rounds, they hit their resiliency wall, again. My son had a blanket on his lap that he then placed on the table in front of him and refused to remove when we asked him to. “Why do I have to?” he challenged. He draped his upper body onto the table as though he lost all his bones. Our daughter also lost interest, picking up her phone every time we started shuffling and dealing out a new hand.

Our kids have been bringing home an array of teen slang, one of which is the term ‘crashing out.” Well, after our 15 minutes of playing, I totally crashed out. “Okay, I’m done,” I declared after hearing one groan too many. “I thought we could do this. This is important to me. Forget it.” In frustration I gathered the cards up and shoved them back into their box, and then angrily vacuumed while listening to Lady Gaga’s “Mayhem” through my Airpods. Did I know that I now needed to do some repair, based on my own dysregulation at the table? Yes. Did I still allow myself to anger-vacuum while blasting music in my ears? Also yes. Is this the best day to force euchre on my children? No. Could it be that they will never want to play cards? Yes. Is this okay? Um…. I really don’t have an answer for that. A part of me is taking this as a sign of all things wrong with kids today- what phones and social media have done to our attention, how even my OWN kids have been impacted, and how we need to fight to keep these traditions going.

It’s a game of cards. On a Sunday before I am about to quit my job.

So here I am, back at my desk, and now writing this blog post. Writing myself BACK home, after losing my mind with my family and exerting unnecessary energy. The kids tip-toed back to me and we chatted. They are up for trying to play again, and I apologized for not excusing and taking care of myself before reaching my boiling point. I was euchred.

When I took the board exam in genetic counseling, there was a separate day of the exam where you were asked all psychosocial questions. And as we studied for that section, the advice was that for any multiple choice question, all of the options could fit, but the question was often getting at what you would do FIRST. So as I juggle and balance, as I crash out and come back to myself, I see the things that I have to do. But my question, at this moment, is what do I do FIRST?

I return to the state from which I am my best. I am present. I accept. I allow. I move slowly. I am still. I love.

I soften.

My card selection from today in The Tapping Solution app