6 am musings from my inner critic Lucy and me

I set a goal a couple of weeks ago to use Tuesday mornings as my time to write, and am currently seated on my couch in my living room, lamp on low next to me, coffee in a purple Le Creuset mug on the side table. It looks dreary out- perhaps it’s actively raining though it’s hard to tell and I don’t feel like getting up to confirm. It’s still dark, and the rest of the apartment is quiet. I managed to tip-toe out of our bedroom with my laptop and notebooks and remembered to grab my AirPods too. Right there I feel like I’ve accomplished something, as I listen to a ‘music for journaling’ playlist on Spotify that I like.

This feels important to me today- noticing little things, appreciating small actions. I am feeling particularly depleted at the moment and I don’t write that out here to launch into ALL THE THINGS GOING WRONG. I just want to be honest about the energy coming through (or getting stuck, more like it). There is just a lot happening at the moment, and that heft of ‘doing’ is also being met with a bout of insecurity and low self-worth that decided to step it up over the weekend. I love how that decides to show up during times when you really don’t need it.

I have named my inner critical voice Lucy, after the little boy in ‘The House in the Cerulean Sea’ book by TJ Klune. In the book, Lucy (for Lucifer) is the son of the devil, but he’s a little boy who possesses so much sweetness and playfulness beneath his mischievous exterior. I really loved that character. My Lucy can be extremely subtle- I hardly know he is there. Suddenly I am filled with so much self-doubt and disparaging thoughts about my worth, and it feels so real. It feels like it’s actually me, that I am indeed the abhorrent person Lucy is whispering in my ear about. I can feel it in my chest, my jaw, this tensing. I feel like I’ve been sent to a corner to think about what I’ve done. How dare I have aspirations when I am such a horrible character in this current story?

It feels so dramatic to type that out! But this is really what happens. Like a fog slowly coming in from the sea, my vision becomes slowly obscured by these messages and I find it very difficult to differentiate what is real from what is not. Let’s add in the fun of this exercise when it happens as I am on the cusp of change, which I currently am. Finding motivation to drive forward with a plan when Lucy is telling me I’m a horrible person is a very unpleasant process.

I know I am not alone with this; that we all go through these moments. I think the inner critic is very strong for many. I am only sharing this for transparency as I type through what I am feeling now, in this moment, sitting on the couch in my dark living room on a November morning.

What works for you, when you feel this way? I think having the realization that ‘I’m in the middle of a stressful week AND omg Lucy is here, isn’t he?’ is a big one. I start to tease apart what is actually happening. Is there a chance that what I have been saying to myself might not be fully true, that it’s this sneaky character instead? Have I been hijacked? I can ask these questions and without even having a solid answer in response, the questioning gives me a little space. Space where I can begin to consider what might actually be happening. Space where I can extend some compassion to myself. ‘I’m so sorry that it’s been this hard,’ I can say to myself. ‘What if we set these messages to the side? What is it you need today?’

One whisper I’ve been hearing loudly from Lucy these past few days is that I make everything about myself; shame on me for being so self-centered. So even thinking about typing this out and sharing on the internet (even though I haven’t really shared this blog with anyone) is additional fodder for these accusations. But I am experimenting here. Maybe writing allows me to move this giant lump of negativity and doubt from my physical body and to place it outside of myself. My questioning what is going on has allowed an entry point, and now writing it for this blog, outside of me, is also creating an opening for new thoughts and care to enter in its place.

I’ve gone through my coffee and the darkness is slowly lifting. No one else has gotten up yet, and I have enjoyed this time alone. Today I will consider what kindness I can extend to myself. I can honor the uncertainty of this moment in time as I throw myself into the unknown. Lucy likes to tell me that I am making a big mistake and taking too many risks. That there is safety in staying put. Today I tap into courage and keep on. Today I return to myself. I hope you do as well.

Here is my inner critic Lucy! I received this book and plushie from my husband last year for Christmas. The book is fabulous- highly recommend- and is filled with cartoons showing the author’s own inner critic trying to tamp down her work. And I love how the author’s name is Lucy as well :)