If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
I experienced the doldrums yesterday, which were very likely due to my cycle (ugh- it kills me that this still happens!), and I woke up still feeling down. Of course the doldrums put themselves on PAUSE during Bad Bunny’s halftime show last night (I love how I can describe it that way without specifying during the Superbowl, because that halftime show needs no additional clarification)- thank goodness for those 15 minutes. I also made some pretty fabulous cauliflower wings and jackfruit bbq sliders from the Plant You cookbook, so all was not lost. I was feeling more RAGE than sadness and it was the type of deal where I knew it was likely related to my period and I should just keep my mouth shut so as to not say anything I regretted, and let time pass and reassess my angst later.
It’s fun being a woman.
I have a general “Feed and Caring of Lindsay” guide that is full of various anchors. I don’t need to do all of them each day and some of them are only supposed to be done once a week anyways (Like writing for guidance from The Artist’s Way).
Here is an example of my daily(ish) tasks (Dailyish being discussed in the Meditations for Mortals book by Oliver Burkman):
Morning pages
Write
Pure Barre
Meditation
Go outside
Go for a walk
Connect
Read
My exercises from the chiropractor (honestly, even these help when I am feeling down! Why do them if you have no hope?).
This morning I felt grateful for these established protocols that I’ve set up for myself, because it definitely did not use to be that way. In the past, it wasn’t that I had a feeling of what would make me feel better and just didn’t do it. I legitimately didn’t have a list to begin with. Now though, I have this structure in place so that when I REALLY need it, which are also the times when I don’t want to have to deal with any of it, I KNOW that I need to just follow the script, so to speak, and by reaching for some of these anchors, I can climb out of the hole. My practices are in place for the times when I feel down, as I did last night and this morning.
I got up early this morning and did my morning pages at the kitchen table, and then I left for a 7 am Pure Barre class. In the past, I might have cancelled this. But again, I know this is my anchor, and so this morning there was no hemming and hawing. I just…went. There has never been a time when I have gone to work out and regretting doing it. it just took me time to solidify my body’s intelligence around this inherent fact.
I struck up conversation with a woman in the studio lobby; I told her about the birdsong I’ve heard when walking through her neighborhood, Dearborn Park, recently, a comforting sign of spring. The conversation flowed to us realizing that her daughter attended the high school that my daughter now attends, and what an amazing school it is. Once inside the studio, a friend, also named Lindsay, and I joked about hoping that the other one got a lot of teacher shout-outs during class, as any time that happens it either gives us both a boost, or we laugh because the comment is made at a time when one of us is falling over or perhaps have popped out of position entirely for a quick breather, and we KNOW the comment was meant for the other Lindsay. I chatted with another friend from our morning work out crew. During class I noticed another client was wearing a Michigan shirt, and so I gave her a ‘Go Blue’ when we were in the back room putting our weights away, and chatted about where in Michigan we were each from.
I picked up my son in the circle drive of our building after class and had a sweet morning conversation with him as we travelled down Clark Street to his school. From there, I headed to Target to grab pads for my daughter (awwww we’re on the same schedule, how sweet). I was in our car and parked in the garage at Target, which made me chuckle because we live two buildings away from Target, an easy walk . Well check this out, I thought. Look at me easing out of my doldrums and going to Target in our car.
I entered Target, eye on the prize, and what greeted my eye the second those doors whizzed open? All the Valentine’s Day cards! And I thought, oh CRAP, Valentine’s Day is Saturday! So instead of heading straight for the pads, there I was, milling about the valentines. I got them for my family, and then I thought about my sister’s foreign exchange student who is living with her this year, and got one for him. Do they celebrate Valentine’s Day in Austria? I have no idea! Then I thought, well, if I get one for him, we need to get one for my sister and sister-in-law. Then I thought of my parents, and my mother-in-law. As I stood there and looked at cards for each person, I found myself smiling. I found a card with the ASL sign for ‘I love you’ for our son, as he and I sign that to each other all the time. I found a card for our daughter which shows two penguins sitting on an ice couch in front, in front of a television, with the line “Binge watch and chill” underneath it (perfect for my ‘Below Deck’-watching buddy). I found cards that seemed to produce a satisfying click in my brain, and a surge of appreciation for each person.
This morning, I moped through my morning pages and trudged out to the car to head to my work out. And then there I was, checking out at Target at 8:45 am, following multiple conversations at Pure Barre where I worked my body HARD, following a short but pleasant chat with my son before he went to school, and following a session of considering many that are near and dear to me as I chose valentines. I got home just in time to join Silent Writing, which had over 25 people in it, people I don’t know well, but who are all here with me now, and I am writing with them.
Grady and Bean are locked in the bedroom with me and there have been moments when Grady has launched his body on top of my desk from the floor. He always reminds me of the fish from the first Super Mario Brothers’ game that fly up out of the water out of no where.
Coming back into myself this morning reminds of the children’s book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie (published in 1985 when I was a wee thing). If you give Lindsay a space with people, she’ll have conversations. Once she has conversations, her body will feel safe and settled. If her body is calm, she’ll be ready to work out. If she exercises her body, she will feel even better. If she feels better, she’ll decide to quickly swing by Target. If she goes to Target, she’ll remember she needs valentines. If she looks through valentines, she’ll think of the people she loves. And when she thinks of who she loves, she’ll be ready for more spaces with more people.
So here I am, in a much better place than where I started, sending thanks to my wiser self for getting me through these moments.
