Stop doing this
Well here is an interesting development for the Food section of my blog. I’m going to give you a directive.
What directive, you ask?
Here it is, plain and simple. I am going to tell you to stop.
Stop tying your worth to whether or not you have dinner figured out. Stop forcing yourself to make it to the store when you don’t have it in you. Stop with the pressure. Don’t plan a meal with two side dishes when it’s becoming so apparent to you that such ambitious plans are mainly to fill time, time which otherwise would be left as unplanned.
Because if we really dig, that’s the real story here, isn’t it? Let’s be honest.
Two weeks ago today was the first day of 2026, and also marked the start of the rest of my life after quitting the job that was sucking away my health and my soul. Day one was only two weeks ago. Over a month ago, as I was still strapped to the job (but knew I was leaving), I looked ahead and thought, oh my gosh, I am going to take the first several weeks of January, 2026, and I am going to RELAX. After all the times in my life where I didn’t have the ability to relax, this is it. My time to shine.
In practice though, this has proved to be harder than that blissful daydream. I am a little ashamed to admit it, for here I am, no longer in this workplace setting, sitting in privilege from being able to walk away. And this is…hard. It is hard to sit still. I don’t even know where to go to do this sitting. Is this what people do? How do they do it? And they do it while their partner and family go about their typical business?
The thought of this sitting makes me so uncomfortable. All my planning to relax, and guess what? It turns out that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. So much so that I have gone into hyperdrive. Because what is there to do? Can I find things to fill the time to keep me off the couch? I sure can!
The area where this has shown up the most for me has been with FOOD. Meal planning. Cooking. All that I enjoy- usually- is turning on me a bit, like a twisted internal bait and switch. Because I normally love meal planning and cooking. I am pretty good at it too.
I am sharing this with you, because maybe this has happened to you as well. Maybe with food, or maybe it’s involved something else. This has been my warning sign that something is off. Over the past couple weeks, when I think I have to meal plan and then grocery shop, a giant rock of stress plants into my chest. And there is a nervous movement to this rock, it is full of unsettled electrons, and I start my panicked planning to determine how I can get the groceries we need (which I wrote about at the beginning of last week). And I am overplanning as well, choosing intricate recipes, one after the other. I am making milk with our Almond Cow appliance, but then after making the milk, I am left with the pulp, for which there are recipes, and so then I’m making recipes with the pulp so I don’t waste anything. I started another cashew cheese wheel yesterday. When I made it at New Years, which I posted about here, it was made with joy. But yesterday, I made it out of necessity with a hint of desperation. Granola. Breakfast cookies that my teen grabs on her way out the door in the morning. All these small ways I have typically expressed joy and love have now become an obligation. I am a servant to my own to-do list.
Basically- this temporary no job thing? it’s dropped me into a scarcity mindset and whoosh, this is not a good place to be. A month ago when I envisioned this glorious month, I did not imagine THIS.
Two mornings ago I took my morning walk (a la The Artist’s Way). The cold air and rhythm of my footsteps felt refreshing. A feeling of clarity washed over me, and I felt a sense of alignment that has been hard to find in my frenetic ‘doingness’ these past couple weeks. And then I had the thought enter my mind- ‘you need to meal plan.’ Once again I felt that stress rock lodge in my chest and I began thinking of how I could get groceries and that stress rock started trembling from those electrons, who were extra activated by the how’s and the when’s and the what’s that were filtering through my brain.
I had just been calm, on my walk. It had been lovely. Because of that, my wise voice was nearby, and in sensing this immense contrast in my body pre- and post-meal planning, she couldn’t hold back. “Stop,” she told me. “Enough. We aren’t doing this.” And from there, she laid out some rules. This is what she said to me-
“For some reason, figuring out food is triggering this fight or flight panic. We don’t know why this is happening exactly, but it’s clear that this keeps happening. So going forward, for the time being- we are not using our cookbooks. We are not going through to find recipes. We are not making a list of ingredients we need to go get. Instead, we will go to the grocery store when it is convenient for us, and we will buy food that looks good. This may mean that the family has grain bowls of various forms for the next 6 weeks, and that will be okay. If broccoli looks good, we’ll get it. If we haven’t had bok choy in a while, that will be nice. This is how we will shop, and this is how we will cook. If you think, ‘oh, I’d love to make this recipe that I’ve made before and I’m hankering for now, THEN you can consult that recipe and make that dish. But only in that direction. We are taking inspired action moving forward.”
I had one more of my overplanned meals left in me which I finished up last night. And now, going forward, I am going to make different choices. I am going to sit in the space of reclaimed time, as uncomfortable as that feels to me now. I am going to relax.
Polenta, fennel, and collard greens from the Bad Manners: Fast as F*ck cookbook. Don’t make this many dishes at once. Trust me.
