Worth

I know that my path forward is not going to always be easy. I know that parts of the job that I just left that used to bring up so much for me will show up again in the shadows. I already have felt these dark clouds a little, in the panic that arises from the uncertainties that I have unveiled through leaving a steady income, a steady place to be. It was stressful and stepping away IS what I needed to do- I feel that strongly and have had no regrets. However, I must acknowledge that there was a steadiness that came from that job. Security. And now I have taken a giant step where that has been removed.

I feel an urgency to speed through my coaching training and to have it wrapped up as soon as possible. My desperation for this comes on strongly when I consider my family. Have I put us at risk? Have I stepped away from my income at a time when it was foolish to do so (I answer this question with an immediate ‘no,’ which comes from my intuition, which has guided me so beautifully in the moments I have needed it. My soul could not take on any more from the company I just left)? There is college. There is the fact that we live in a downtown high-rise where rents can be increased for each lease period.

There is also ME, and the parts of me that have not put myself first. The parts that have held back, let others go first. The parts that never spoke up. That never asserted what it was that I wanted. I have played small at so many points in my past. In the almost five years that I worked part time, where I balanced my work as a clinical genetic counselor with my time at home with very young children, I treated myself to a coffee from a coffee shop one time. And I interpreted that as a sign of my strength- my ability to restrict pleasures for myself as we were paying for day care which cost more than my part time salary. Which means that… during those years we had to actually PAY for me to work. And I internalized this as an ‘I owe you’ for my husband. Of course he didn’t feel this way, anyone reading this who knows my husband knows that he would shoot down this thinking the moment I muttered the words out loud to him. And this wasn’t about him. This was about ME. It was how I measured my worth in those days. I was not worthy of these extras- of coffees held with one hand while I pushed a stroller towards the park, or pedicures, massages, highlights, or babysitters. I wasn’t bringing in enough money for my family. I was not enough.

It makes me feel sad for this young part of me, trying her best to care for so much. I have grown so much since then- learning to feel into my body and conjure up the words that described the experience. I felt inadequate, neglected, abandoned…by myself. By society. I felt so much shame.

This should come as no surprise to me (or anyone)- but in taking this big step, in giving up this financial security, in listing away from the steadiness, it is very easy to feel triggered by these old feelings. I can still breathe into the peace and clarity that I do feel, where I am comforted by this inner knowing that everything will be okay. But then, suddenly, this very familiar cloud of uncertainty eases itself out from the dark recesses of my mind. It’s my inner critic (named Lucy, as I have brought up before). It’s my inner voice asking me what I have done. It’s the reaction of someone distant (and I am not pointing fingers here, but the ones who have reacted this way have usually been men) who has learned that I quit my job and reacts with a “gosh, and she doesn’t have anything else lined up for certain? I would never do that. What about your family?” (and yes, I have heard this reaction) In these darker moments, this all comes flooding in. What have you done?, asks Lucy, my evil spirit. Once again, you need to do more. You are not enough.

I am sharing this because I feel it is important to share. That we can take bold and brave action, yet still our internal demons can pop up and try their damnedest to make it all stop. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? This is scary shit. Lucy is super uncomfortable with all of this. His goal is to steady the boat. To stop these threatening waves.

I know now that when these thoughts of unworthiness start to make themselves known, that it is time for me to acknowledge their presence. And to see that it’s Lucy having a mini-meltdown. Hey there, I see you. Thank you so much for looking out for me. How about you take a seat over there? Cover yourself up with a blanket, enjoy some hot cocoa; this has been such a chilly winter so far. When I need you, I will call.

I am reading a few different books at the moment with themes on creativity and acceptance (“Meditations for Mortals” by Oliver Burkeman, and I’m finally starting “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron). When I lean into these texts, I find love for myself. I feel into the spaciousness where all things are possible. It feels spiritual. It’s like sitting next to the window while the sun shines through, warming my soul. From this place, so much is possible. I trust myself. I trust that the universe will care for me. I yearn to connect with clients as a health coach as they undertake their own journeys towards wellness. I feel the web of connectedness and support. I know I will be okay.

Yesterday was New Year’s Day and there was such tension over starting the year off strong- I felt it all day and I knew it was not coming from the connected part of me that I describe in the paragraph above. It came from this place of unworthiness, of needing to fix, to control. Today it has felt different. Today I knew I needed to leave the apartment to work out at my barre studio, which felt amazing. Today I keep feeling shock and excitement by the fact that I have done what I have done. Today I felt the sun coming through the window, as my hands wrapped around my warm coffee mug. I ate a chocolate chip cookie. Later I will dig into my leftover vegan cheese with crackers. All is well. I am enough.