I just finished an interesting and enjoyable book, Tiny Experiments by Anne-Laure Le Cunff from Ness Labs. My husband had actually gotten this book for his own reading and when I read the jacket I thought of how applicable it was to coaching (yet another moment of serendipity, which I discuss more below).

Le Cunff emphasizes using playful experimentation as a tool to navigating life. She describes the usefulness of creating pacts instead of linear goals (and the problem with linear goal-setting), and focusing on output rather than outcome.

The beginning chapters on noticing our cognitive scripts, keeping field notes, and turning doubts into experiments provide the most hands-on practices in the book. The remaining chapters are still good, but I’d say it loses some of the flow of the earlier sections, and the ending chapters ‘How to Unlock Social Flow” and “Learning in Public” ignore some of the nuance of these ways of being in the world, especially for individuals who carry years of conditioned beliefs or had earlier traumatic experiences that continue to do a lot of the driving. There is little discussion of addressing these deeper issues. But, saying all of that, I do feel that this book presented a playful way of trying out different life tweaks without the rigidity and pressure that can arise with typical goal-setting. For me personally, being in the literal ‘in between’ at the moment, this book felt reassuring and timely.

“In the liminal space called life, we are in perpetual transition from one identity to another, from one question to the next, a succession of twists and turns, each an opportunity to learn about the world and connect with others. Success is the lifelong experiment of discovering what makes you feel most alive.”

— from "Tiny Experiments" by Anne-Laure Le Cunff

Le Cunff lists what she calls the “Five Keys” in the very last chapter of the book, considerations to get one closer to moving along a nonlinear path and embracing a generative life. I especially loved ‘Key #1- Do the work first’, as it really resonates with where I have been these past few months. She cites what designer Jack Butcher calls a “permissionless apprenticeship.” I read that and instantly thought, YES THIS IS THE PHRASE I NEED. As Le Cunff writes, “don’t wait for approval; do the work first.”

The Artist’s Way discusses how when you lean into creativity, when you allow, so many moments of synchronicity and serendipity arise. And I have felt this in so many moments over these last few months. I attended a meet up with A Writing Room a few weeks ago that was focused on perfectionism. This talk came up after a week during which my inner critic voice had been INSANE. I was beating myself up so much, and it was pretty solidly correlated with a coaching practice that I had done with a mentor where I felt vulnerable in my practicing (even though it went well and I felt very supported by this individual!) that hit at the same time as I was feeling stress about money. Money has been coming up a lot for me over the past few months. Not because we are in financial trouble, but because within the space of money and finances, I have placed a LOT of value on my worth. This runs deep. Even when I was working part-time when my kids were babies, I felt so awfully responsible for how little I was getting paid for my part-time work when daycare for those days was so expensive. I never allowed myself anything. My inner critic was strong then, and it is strong now.

In this Writing Room talk, the woman who ran the session shared a link to this quiz on NPR (scroll midway down to see the pink ‘start’ box to take the quiz if you are interested- it’s quick). My top prefectionism type was what is called Parisian perfectionist, which are the people pleasers. And, this may be obvious to others, but it was NOT obvious to me- my inner critic and perfectionism are super-duper linked to people pleasing. My money stress? People pleasing (bringing in ‘enough’, being ‘enough’). Practicing my coaching and having that voice tell me that I can’t do this? People pleasing (keeping that bar so high and not allowing for anything less than perfect, but what even is that with coaching? And obviously a coach hung up on perfection is not going to be present for a client in the way that they need). Coming out of our bedroom and seeing my husband sitting and working, or on a work call, and me having this instant panic or feeling of not being enough? Omg…people pleasing! Being in this in-between stage is triggering for me, and to see my husband working, with me not “working” makes me feel like I am doing something wrong (to be clear- my husband has been 150% over-the-top supportive of me and this path- there is no judgement coming from him. This special flavor of not being kind to myself is alllll me).

And the thing is, I DO immensely value feedback, and expect (hope!) to receive feedback towards what I put out into the world for as long as I do so. However, being mentally closed-off by the stress of having to be ‘good enough’ to make money is the opposite of embracing a beginner’s mind where I get to practice and play and am able to openly receive feedback. These two conditions, the open, playful, and curious part, and the closed-off, rigid, and hyper self-critical part, end up having an all out joust in my brain. Sadly, the inner critic often wins (and also tells me to give up, and play small, because being vulnerable and being new at something doesn’t feel secure or safe).

Obviously, with this mentality, it’s going to feel very hard, if not impossible, to live creatively, to allow myself to write, to take time for self-expression which for me is the key to my wholeness. And that night, after taking that perfectionism quiz, after reading more about inner critic perfectionism (thanks to my therapist), it just HIT ME.

This is MY THING. Here I am, so close to becoming a health and wellness coach and being present for others as they create their own goals and pacts and develop their own experiments. And me? What is my experiment? What am I working on? I know that I cannot coach from a place of inner critic attacks. I cannot write from this place. I cannot parent well from this place.

I commit now to being a permissionless apprentice . That discomfort that starts to creep in when I think about my coaching training (hurry up with this!) or my partnership (I need to do more around the house and/or bring in money stat and prove my worth)? THAT is my cue to pause. THAT is when I breathe. I do not need to run in and fix anything. I do not need to operate from lack. I am enough. Everything that I am doing, every day? This allowing? This expansiveness? This is my new life, but more importantly, this is my new way of existing- which is allowing for myself to exist in the FIRST place, to come fully into myself, unapologetically, needing no permission. This uncertainty is where I get to play. I get to be fully present for the people I work with through coaching, and being in that space with them is an honor. I feel guided by love. I embrace curiosity over perfection. I allow. And, if I didn’t make it clear before, in this new life, I am enough :)

Permissionless Apprenticeship

Beauty